Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
PANTIES FOUND
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize