He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize