I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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