I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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