Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
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We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
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I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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