Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
