i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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