the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize