Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
