remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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