The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
