There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
