The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
