I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.