im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
