More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
