i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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