What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
