But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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