no, he came in my armpit
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
