mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
