He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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