Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
