Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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