I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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