yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
