he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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