My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
