Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
