I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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