woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
