There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She bit a glass in half.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
