He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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