peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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