My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
