He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
