I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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