a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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