Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
