the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
