My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
