Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
