I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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