dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
