What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
