I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
