you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
