Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
