Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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