i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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