when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
