It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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