yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
