he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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