I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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