Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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