I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
