i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
