I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
