God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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