I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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